The Committee

On the desk in front of me I have a metal token with praying hands that reads: “One day at a time” on one side.

On the flip side the token reads:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Earlier tonight was my first Alcoholics’ Anonymous meeting, and this morning was the beginning of my first day sober. Last night I realized after my multiple efforts to quit on my own have failed that I cannot do this alone. Alcohol wasn’t even taking the edge off the pain last night. My old coping mechanism had stopped working, so I poured the beer down my sink.

A deep fear of mine has always been that if I opened the floodgate that the tears and the pain wouldn’t stop. There were a lot of tears earlier this evening. In days to come there will be many more, but eventually I will come out of the darkness.

I cannot change my past. Tomorrow will be a mystery until it arrives. All I have is this present moment where I keep putting one foot in front of the other. “The Committee” is a short film written by a woman who has worked on her own recovery. It shows the inner battle that many face as they are trying to not fall back into a destructive pattern. What each part of her was saying to the others reminded me of each day of the inner conflict that I have battled to not be destructive to myself.

Amanda

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