Past few days I have not posted a blog post, as I am experiencing some writer’s block right now. Staring at the blank page without inspiration leads the writer to recycle thoughts. The anxious churning of a puerile brain who can’t express what is really bothering it. So I continue to stare at the blinking cursor on my computer screen. It began with a string of one line form rejection letters giving very vague reasons as to why the publisher decided that my work wasn’t “Good Enough.” It honestly made me wish that writing or any creative endeavour was not such a vulnerable act. How great it would be to be a turtle with a hard shell to deflect such letters?
“Not good enough” is a core wound that I have wrestled with for a while. Sometimes looking back at past history only serves as a form of negative reinforcement. This is probably why I prefer to live in the present. Our experience of the now can be anything that we perceive it to be. Even when you are having a difficult day one can appreciate the little things like a great cup of coffee. Today is one of those days for me where I am grateful for sunshine (potential for a good long walk), and my Sumatran coffee brewing in my coffee maker.
Fear of failure or rejection is something that most of us struggle with at one time or another. Perfectionism is a part of myself that I would love to murder and bury in my backyard, because it serves no useful purpose. Anyone else out there up for the challenge of burying Perfectionism for good? How revolutionary would it be to embrace “good enough” in my attitude towards my self, and what I work hard at?
Truthfully, today I am afraid that I will not succeed at publishing my writing, or even my recovery. On my desk lies stacks of therapeutic homework. The progress is not something that I have always seen myself. Persistence is the key to getting to where I want to go. It gets overwhelming when I look at how far I have come yet I still have much further to go.
When someone in recovery gets to the point where I am at; you wonder if you will succeed at creating a life that is in alignment with who you really are. How will my relationships change? People have come in and out of my life as I established greater boundaries. Some of the departures were painful yet necessary for where I am or where they were in their lives. Will I be able to find fulfilling employment? I was unemployed for two years, so there is lots of anxiety around returning to work again.
Today I sit in the wasteland of my own self-doubt. The landscape is far too familiar at times. I know that if I sit too long here that I will not proceed in my journey. It’s important in the wasteland of self-doubt not to get too comfortable. For now, I am going to drink my coffee then take a long walk outside to clear the cobwebs from my brain.
Thanks for listening to something that probably each of you have experienced at one time or another.