Nemesis of Self-Doubt

Past few days I have not posted a blog post, as I am experiencing some writer’s block right now. Staring at the blank page without inspiration leads the writer to recycle thoughts. The anxious churning of a puerile brain who can’t express what is really bothering it. So I continue to stare at the blinking cursor on my computer screen. It began with a string of one line form rejection letters giving very vague reasons as to why the publisher decided that my work wasn’t “Good Enough.” It honestly made me wish that writing or any creative endeavour was not such a vulnerable act. How great it would be to be a turtle with a hard shell to deflect such letters?

“Not good enough” is a core wound that I have wrestled with for a while. Sometimes looking back at past history only serves as a form of negative reinforcement. This is probably why I prefer to live in the present. Our experience of the now can be anything that we perceive it to be. Even when you are having a difficult day one can appreciate the little things like a great cup of coffee. Today is one of those days for me where I am grateful for sunshine (potential for a good long walk), and my Sumatran coffee brewing in my coffee maker.

Fear of failure or rejection is something that most of us struggle with at one time or another. Perfectionism is a part of myself that I would love to murder and bury in my backyard, because it serves no useful purpose. Anyone else out there up for the challenge of burying Perfectionism for good? How revolutionary would it be to embrace “good enough” in my attitude towards my self, and what I work hard at?

Truthfully, today I am afraid that I will not succeed at publishing my writing, or even my recovery. On my desk lies stacks of therapeutic homework. The progress is not something that I have always seen myself. Persistence is the key to getting to where I want to go. It gets overwhelming when I look at how far I have come yet I still have much further to go.

When someone in recovery gets to the point where I am at; you wonder if you will succeed at creating a life that is in alignment with who you really are. How will my relationships change? People have come in and out of my life as I established greater boundaries. Some of the departures were painful yet necessary for where I am or where they were in their lives. Will I be able to find fulfilling employment? I was unemployed for two years, so there is lots of anxiety around returning to work again.

Today I sit in the wasteland of my own self-doubt. The landscape is far too familiar at times. I know that if I sit too long here that I will not proceed in my journey. It’s important in the wasteland of self-doubt not to get too comfortable. For now, I am going to drink my coffee then take a long walk outside to clear the cobwebs from my brain.

Thanks for listening to something that probably each of you have experienced at one time or another.

Amanda

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8 thoughts on “Nemesis of Self-Doubt

  1. Thanks for sharing!

    I have the same feelings, sometimes, of my “pessimistic perfectionism”, as I like to call it!

    However, I hope that you don’t give up on that aspect! It is VERY TOUGH, but I believe that it is necessary to be truthful to one’s self and I don’t believe that “good enough” is a place where I, personally, want to be! I trudge forward as best as I can knowing that I am doing my best to be truthful with myself and the world around me!

    Here is a great blog to read about self-publishing:

    http://cristianmihai.net/2012/09/01/are-self-publishers-lazy/

    ..and here is one of my favorite quotes from that blog:

    “you’re free to do art for art’s sake,
    …..without worrying about some guys in New York agreeing with you.”

    I truthfully love your work, and I don’t say that lightly! I dissect things on a level that is probably hazardous to my Health! 😀 However, you are one of those who have truthfully broken many of my barriers without any chosen effort!

    I’m looking forward to your next masterpiece! 😀

    Sincerely,

    Doug Alan

    1. Perfectionism can be a really difficult task master. I am trying to adopt a more middle road by writing and editing my work for it to be my best. Writing is a very tough thing to break into. For now, I am going to read lots, and do research into possible markets.

      Thank you for the link to his blog. Self-publishing may be a good option to look into. I decided to follow his blog, because he has a great wealth of information and good advice.

      Writers don’t try to publish their work generally to make loads of cash. They do it for the love of their art, and believe that what ever they are saying will matter to someone else. The comment that those in New York don’t really have the right to say what good art is made me chuckle.

      Thank you for your comments, and for following the blog. It’s wonderful to hear from readers who enjoy what I am putting out there. Yeah, I can relate to the unhealthy dissection of art or anything for that matter. I am working on that one actually. 🙂

      As always, I greatly appreciate your comments and I will continue to write. It’s as natural to me as breathing.

      Sincerely,

      Amanda

  2. Couldn’t help but refer you to a very recent post from the same blogger. It’s a great insight into the pain that comes from writing, and the pain from exposing one’s self to the world. But, he also agrees that in being truthful, one will gain the proper following of people who truly love what you do.

    http://cristianmihai.net/2012/09/03/being-a-writer/

    I’ll leave you with my favorite quote from J.R.R. Tolkien, which I recently posted on a picture that I took on my Blog:

    “Not all those who wander are lost.”

    Take care. 🙂

    Doug Alan

    1. Doug, your comment was very encouraging. Thank you for this blessing. Writing has been both the greatest therapy for me, because it requires you to be painfully honest with yourself. The truth at the core of who am I am, where I have been and where I am going comes out on the page. It’s a bit of a sticky wicket how writing is both art and business together. Thank you for sending me the link for the video as Chuck Lorre really is right about writing what you are most passionate about. It’s something that I strive to do in what I write. Also, I love the quote from J.R.R. Tolkien. We all are pilgrims who wandering on our own questions.

      Take care,

      Amanda 🙂

  3. Amanda, be strong, this will pass. We have all had blocks and ultimately questioned our talent. From what I have read of your work you are very talented and may just not have found the proper publisher to showcase your work. Keep looking and keep writing, things will get better. Dom

    1. Dom, thank you so very much for your encouragement and your kind words. I was deeply touched by your comments and those that others leave on my blog. These really are blessings when I am feeling discouraged. Perhaps, persistence really is the key with writing. It may well be that you are right that I haven’t yet found the right publisher or market for my writing. It may be useful for me to spend more time on reading and research to get a better feel for what they are looking for. Hope that you have a great week. Amanda

  4. I hear you. I think there are times where we just pause. We don’t go backwards and forwards needs a bigger push, but what our journey needs is a pause (such as a long walk to clear the cobwebs). There is no point in getting wrapped up into anxieties about relationships and work. The journey is a journey and it unfolds a page at a time. Keep doing what’s beneficial in the now and wherever you end up is the place you are meant to be.

  5. Thank for your insightful comment. You’re right that sometimes we just need to pause during the inbetween phase of the journey. A few of the things I am working on at present will take much longer than others, and required taking a different path than the one that I planned. We really can be our own worst enemies when we spin the stories in our minds. I figure that my journey will unfold how it is meant to in the right way for me. Listening to my own intuition tends to be the best guide for where I am meant to be.

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