Reflecting on My Youth

The symbolism in Lana Del Rey’s music video “Born to Die” caught my attention for several reasons. The video opens with a couple embracing with an American flag behind them. The video moves between Lana singing (she’s dressed in white) in a Catholic church and scenes of two wild lovers. You have the suggestion that this good girl changes into a wild woman to fit with the desires of the man she loves. She dies a physical death that leads her to moving to heaven. The song can also symbolize the death of a relationship that no longer fits who she really is.

From my own experience, I grew up in a traditional Protestant home where I was a “good girl.” Growing up traditional doctrine never satisfied my search for spiritual answers. I studied other spiritual traditions for many years. Among some of the spiritual traditions that I have studied include Wicca, Hinduism, Christianity, Paganism, Buddhism and Eastern philosophy. It is actually surprising that I returned to Christianity. What spiritual path anyone chooses is something that should be respected as I think that God leads us down the path that is the best for us.

After I was raped, I tried to fill my emptiness by partying, and getting into relationships where I was more a chameleon than myself. When you believe that you are nothing, but damaged goods, then your choices tend to reflect that level of self-loathing. Nothing could chase away the pain and the emptiness that I felt. About four years ago I stopped running from the emptiness and began to face it. I am still doing this on a daily basis. Healing takes a really long time, and the road is a long one. Honestly, the only answer for me was to ask God the questions directly that my heart had been hoping for. It was at that point the tools and teachers I needed to heal began to appear. He has given me answers a little bit at a time. Even though my youth was wild and had some difficult times…I am grateful for the wisdom that I have learned.




4 thoughts on “Reflecting on My Youth

    1. onebravesurvivorhealing

      Your comment left me speechless. Thank you for seeing what I don’t often see about myself. This journey that I’m on is one heck of a ride. Someone dear to me once told me to write it all down as I can look back on it years later at a different point in my journey. Your words reflect much love in your poetry and in your comments. Thanks for this. 🙂

  1. The Enfant Terrible

    Thank you, Amanda. You are underrated. You are a genuinely amazing woman. I have the utmost respect for you. Please keep going. I have tagged you in a post. Another blogger tagged me to write about my poetry and I have tagged you in turn. Obviously you can just ignore it, but I thought you should know! I hope you are well.

  2. Soraya, you’re welcome and also thanks for your comment. I don’t feel that I am amazing just that my experiences have led me in a certain direction. You reach a point where sometimes the decision to keep going is a matter of will. I will check out the tag later on and try to do a blog post with it. I’m doing alright and just putting one foot in front of the other. Take care of yourself. 🙂

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