Archaeology of Self

My last blog post was written on October 31st, and it has been a hectic two weeks since then. When I was not paying attention my heart transformed itself. I looked around and realized how far I have come in my journey of recovery.  A survivor reaches a point where his or her identity is no longer about the wounds of the past.  I began in the past few months to engage more with the world outside my door again. My participation in activities that I loved long ago is for me to do an archaeological excavation of my sense of self.

One of the things that I decided to do was to join a mixed adult and children’s choir. In high school, I participated in musical theatre, played the clarinet, and was in a choir. Music was a love that I abandoned, because my confidence in myself dropped when I became depressed. I was nervous during my first choir practice, but met some wonderful, friendly people who share my love of music. Laughter and fun quickly replaced my anxiety. I have also started to venture out to attend concerts and performances. I am no longer willing to allow my anxiety to stop me from doing what I love. Love is far more powerful than fear is.

In the past few months, I started to volunteer a few days a week with a mental health organization in my community. This organization runs a drop-in centre where I make coffee, assist with social events, and talk to those who come in. One challenge I am finding is how my anxiety level will rise when we have a large crowd of people. I have always been more comfortable personally with working one on one, or in a small group. The volunteer work, and pushing myself to get out in public regularly do challenge me to move outside my comfort zone. I am an introvert and still in recovery from post traumatic stress disorder, which is an anxiety based illness.

I am enjoying where I am at in my journey of self-discovery, and I feel a little bit more whole as each day passes. Above I posted Joni Mitchell’s song “A Case of You.” Love really is the most powerful force in the universe; not fear like I had once thought. Joni sings:

I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Something so beautiful was poured into my heart and soul that changed my perspective on so many things. I have no idea where my journey will lead me, but I am so excited for the wonderful possibilities.

Amanda

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