White Knuckled

Tension building…building…building…

Opposite polarities colliding into each other,

Our mouths are hungry to taste,

May I get lost in you for a while?

Crashing waves of pleasure sending me into shock,

Body shivering; not from the cold.

White knuckled and pale my hand clings to yours,

It feels like I’m dying,

Am I dying?

Looking at you in the moment,

I know that I have.

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You Can Let Go

Those of you who are followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven’t posted very much recently. Writing has always been a great comfort to me during difficult times. This holiday season brings my family a difficult gift. It is a gift because it is bringing my immediate family closer together as we prepare to say farewell to my father who is in the final stages of his battle with cancer. My Dad has had to let go of me, his daughter, at different points in my life so I could grow into the strong and loving woman that I am today. We had a conversation about a week ago that was the hardest one of my life. I told him that I knew that he was dying, that I loved him and that we would all be alright when it was his time to return home. Letting go of those you love is one of the hardest aspects to sharing unconditional love with others. You feel quite frankly like God has cracked your heart wide open. It slowly comes back together when he fills it with such a deep and true love. That love is the gift that comes during times like these. I am love and so are all of you.

Namaste,

Amanda

Hollows

it aches when the wind goes through my bones,

turning a collar up to the unknown,

November’s chilly winds set mournful tones,

I don’t know what will be from fall’s seeds sown.

~

Is the sun behind those grey clouds?

where is that radiant light I knew.

needing comfort like scent of Irish stew

I don’t fit any more in these crowds.

~

My foot fall crunches leaves under me

It will be a long, hard season

As I set sail for an icy sea

it aches the heart without reason

Where Love Resides

silence walking home on a snowy night

as the moon keeps me company

a silver orb and comforting guardian

light playing passionately with the shadows

~

as I am not alone then

an angel’s wings cover grieving parents

who gently nurse their broken hearts

their little spark left them too soon

her bright laughter touched many hearts

she is still there in their love

~

the bowl of soup filling up a growling belly

a hug shared between two friends

wiping away a baby’s tear

your blue eyes reaching into my soul

these are all places where love resides

 

Riding Samsara

a soul leaving body for true home

we mourn you on your way

you may return in a different place and time

carrying the human experience back to Source

here you ride the waves of Samsara

joy and sorrow, love and hate, birth and death:

every season turns to another

marking illusion time is passing

reality found in moment of a baby’s smile or a lover’s arms

otherwise we ride the waves of Samsara

(c) Amanda Wilson 2013

The Nightmare

Laying down my tired body

a journey begins to flow

where I go to the place of hopes and fears.

~

Standing in a hospital’s hallway

hair on my arms begins to prickle

something is not right here; stomach churns.

~

Lying on a stretcher; you are there

your eyes are closed and messy dark hair

hooked up to a heart monitor, an erratic rhythm

~

I am looking in from the hall,

a disembodied witness wanting to scream,

as I hear the heart monitor sound the alert.

~

Nurses and doctors swarm you as little I can see,

I am pushed aside as they race,

they call “Clear!” and try with the paddles.

~

Your body rises up but still no response,

they try again…nothing

pulling a sheet over your face.

~

I collapse down on my knees,

as I can’t force a scream out,

tears won’t come as the shock is too great.

(c) Amanda Wilson 2013

Present Contradictions

It’s a strange feeling when you are experiencing two different sides of the life cycle at once. Since May, my Dad has been battling lung cancer and a couple of weeks ago I learned that my husband and I are expecting a baby towards the end of July in 2013. Within a two year period, I lost my uncle to lung cancer and my paternal grandmother.  They were both always present at Christmas up until they both got ill. A difficult lesson I learned in these past few years is how precious life truly is. We do not know how long the loved ones we treasure will be with us for. When ever my close family communicates now we do not hesitate to say “I love you” or offer each other our time and energy. My relationship with my sister has especially grown closer as we see the contradictions within our family unit. On one hand, my Dad is battling cancer, which is a very real threat to his survival, and on the other hand, a new life will be entering our family’s lives in the new year.

 

Cynthia who is younger than me by four years accompanied me earlier today to my first ultrasound. Until now the reality that I am growing a new life inside me felt very, very surreal. My pregnancy symptoms had me feeling a little tired, and my morning sickness would come and go. I had enough symptoms to tell that I am in fact pregnant, but they were mild enough that I have days where I feel pretty good. I had the chance to see my little peanut for the first time today. What I wonder the most right now is how I can love someone so much when I haven’t even met them yet? My heart feels stronger and more full of love than I have ever experienced before in my life. Along with the flooding of love came the feeling that my heart can also break more easily. It is that knowledge that as a mother I can only try my absolute best.

 

After the ultrasound, my sister and I returned to my parents’ place for a cup of tea as they wanted to know how the ultrasound went. The new life I am carrying on some level I think gives my Dad another reason to fight. A child’s little light can bring so much hope. When I taught elementary and secondary school I met kids who lived difficult lives or who had been through very traumatic experiences. Children and youth are very resilient as their minds adapt far better to a changing environment then adults do. What frightens me as a mother to be is the knowledge that we may not always be able to protect our children from danger. We can only try our absolute best.

 

The news played the stories from the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14th. The footage that I watched on the news left me choking back tears.  Among the victims was Victoria Soto, a 27 year old teacher, who told the shooter that her first grade class was on the other side of the building to protect them. Rachel D’Avino, a 29 behavioural therapist, lost her life while she was shielding a student. Annie Marie Murphy, a 52 year old teacher, lost her life while trying to shield students from a barrage of bullets. One little girl in the first grade survived by pretending that she was already dead. She was the only  survivor in her class. A massacre like this is something that one would picture in a war zone; not in an elementary school in one of the richest nations of the world.

 

Newtown is a small town, so if such senseless violence can occur there it really can occur any where. I heard hosts on The View debate about gun control laws, mental illness and violence, and how the media portrays violence along with how it desensitized society to it. Schools are supposed to be safe places for our children to learn. Perhaps the scariest thing as a mother to be is that there really are no safe places, and events like the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting will be felt for a long time to come. Our world needs to change, so we can give our children the best chance that they will grow to be healthy adults.

 

Tonight when you say your prayers I hope that you will say one for those who are working to find solutions to prevent more senseless violence, comfort to those who grieve lost loved ones, and peace for the souls of those who lost their lives.

 

Amanda

 

Informative Links:

Victims of Connecticut School Shooting

Little Girl Lone Survivor by Playing Dead

A Message of Hope from Newtown Connecticut

President Obama Pledges Actions

Connecticut Shooting Tragedy: The Investigation

Connecticut Shooting Tragedy: Two Brothers Escape