Shields

what is the nature of your intentions?

grabbing the warrior’s shield

hanging in the great hall

what do you fear more?

the maiden who carries a knife in her boot

knowing her aim hits its mark

or that you cannot protect her from yourself

will you chain and lock yourself in the tower

when the full moon reaches its orb

transforming before the mirror

unprotected by shields from yourself.

 

(c) Amanda Wilson 2014

 

 

Hear Me Roar

Something this past week lit a fire within me to express myself about how society’s perceptions of motherhood are unrealistic. Yet if one is brave enough to raise your voice loud enough others will judge you for having your own mind. Motherhood and life are a messy business.

Motherhood is the most challenging experience that I have had in the past two months. The time that I spend with my son, Dylan, is by far the most rewarding and challenging. You learn a great deal about yourself and what you are passionate about once you become a parent. I am become even more willing to express myself since my son was born as I realized that I could do far more than I thought.

Most of my adult life I have been dealing with both post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I have gained a lot of wisdom and much healthier coping strategies over the years. Mental illness does not make a person into an unfit parent, or a person who is less deserving of happiness. Our society does not encourage mothers to seek help for post partum depression, and many mothers fear judgement for asking for help.

Society says that we should be able to handle motherhood on our own without the help of family, our partners, or even outside assistance. Media portrayals of motherhood are far from accurate. What we believe and expect of ourselves as mothers is complete and utter bullshit! Our speed of lightening society doesn’t give anyone the right to breathe and try to do things differently. It may make me unpopular or even a bit of a rebel, but I choose to speak of my own experiences honestly. If someone doesn’t like how I express myself or who I am then that is their problem; not mine. As Katy Perry sings, “Hear me roar!”

Amanda

Rainy Morning Thoughts

awakened way too early without sunlight,

gray sky’s fondness for me,

wiping crusty yellow sleep from dulled eyes.

black cat meows, rubbing ankles,

seeking subsistence,

blurry eyed I fill his dishes…

tea or coffee? where is my mug?

head wishes to return to pillow.

witness to gloomy, rain thoughts,

way too early in the morning.

(c) Amanda Wilson 2013

Long Distance Hug

Earl Grey tea in thermos sitting with you in the wasteland

I wiped the sting of tears

braving the biting wind’s buffets

I am with you even when I am not there

wrap my love around you

a warm blanket or a first teddy bear

if I could journey far for the balm for your heart

I would leave right now

these words are my long distance hug

 

(c) Amanda Wilson 2013

 

It Can’t Rain All the Time

This video above is for a song that I heard for the first time during a pretty dark time in my life. I was away at university, and the symptoms of my post traumatic stress disorder had just started their onset. Jane Siberry’s song, entitled “It Can’t Rain All the Time,” was on the playlist on my computer. The song comforted me enough that I managed to fall asleep to it playing. The song is from the soundtrack to the cult classic “The Crow” where the primary theme of the movie is that love transcends even death. The song is a reminder for all of us that the difficult times are temporary and will eventually pass even though they can seem so very long.

Amanda

After Catharsis

After Catharsis

Knowing a strange kind of black rain,

one that imprisons you

from wind driving in all directions.

Came out of the cold: trembling,

and deeply worn out

crying oneself to sleep then falling.

Safe and warm, wrapped in blankets,

hibernating until crocuses poke

through thawing ground.

Until then safe in dreaming cocoon,

waiting in Love’s soft arms

for morning light after catharsis.

(c) Amanda Wilson 2012