Last weekend we had Thanksgiving here in Canada. It was my first one without my father since his death in December 2014. This past year hasn’t been an easy one for me emotionally. I have always been deeply sensitive to the emotions of those around me, and I feel my own very intensely. Something shifted in me bearing witness to my mother’s grief at losing her partner of 39 years (it would have been forty this past August) and how the dynamic has changed within my family since my dad is no longer physically with us. I am not the same person who I was a year ago or even a few days ago. What my experiences have taught me is that love lives on after we die and your time on this earth can be very short. I am very gently getting acquainted with my soul and what lights it up. Photography, art and writing are those creative things that keep my spark lit. Yesterday evening I took a long walk with my camera where I snapped close to 80 photographs. Below you will find a sampling of what I find beautiful about this time of year.
Bare feet caress the earth,
Connecting myself to the circuit,
Remind me why I am here…
You call for me to love,
I’ve loved them all.
They ebb and flow like the tides…
Could one heart leave a candle burning,
In the window just for me?
I’m weary from a long journey,
A gypsy soul longs to settle,
For a loving soul to wash my feet,
Have a hot meal waiting by the fire,
And to gift my heart,
With the solace it needs most,
Burying myself in you.
This song ” I Will Never You Know” is from the Nashville television series and is this morning’s ear worm. I am in a reflective mood this morning. There has been a big theme of loss in my life the past few years. There are gifts that emerge from walking through the valley, but you have moments too where you feel like your heart got cracked open. Mine is cracked open from grief. God lets the light shine from inside those cracks.
I am sharing Teal Swan’s video where she discusses what the shadow is, and how to begin to do shadow work. The shadow aspects of the self is a topic that I am interested in exploring for a variety of reasons. When someone passes through the stages of grief it can provide opportunities where we question what we believe about others and ourselves. Often what we judge about others are those aspects of ourselves that we suppress or deny. We can choose to accept those shadow qualities and integrate them into our experience in a way that can be useful if done in a thoughtful manner.
My previous blog post to this one was dated back in December just shortly after my father passed away as a result of a long two year battle with cancer. The grief is still at times very raw and fresh. My sensitive heart needed time away from writing when I could not even string together a coherent thought beyond coping with my day to day experiences. As a mother, my limited energy needed to be channeled towards caring for my son. I realized recently that I have been operating from a state of depletion when I give to others in my various relationships whether that is my spouse, son, family members or my friends. One cannot give to others if you have nothing to share. Veronica Krestow shares a personal experience where she had to make a very difficult choice to put her needs first before those of a loved one, and examines the difference between giving to satisfy your ego and genuinely giving from a space of love. I recently made a similar choice in my own life that was very difficult, but I know intuitively will have a far better result for all those involved. Hope that you can find some wisdom from Veronica sharing her personal story.
Those of you who are followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven’t posted very much recently. Writing has always been a great comfort to me during difficult times. This holiday season brings my family a difficult gift. It is a gift because it is bringing my immediate family closer together as we prepare to say farewell to my father who is in the final stages of his battle with cancer. My Dad has had to let go of me, his daughter, at different points in my life so I could grow into the strong and loving woman that I am today. We had a conversation about a week ago that was the hardest one of my life. I told him that I knew that he was dying, that I loved him and that we would all be alright when it was his time to return home. Letting go of those you love is one of the hardest aspects to sharing unconditional love with others. You feel quite frankly like God has cracked your heart wide open. It slowly comes back together when he fills it with such a deep and true love. That love is the gift that comes during times like these. I am love and so are all of you.
it aches when the wind goes through my bones,
turning a collar up to the unknown,
November’s chilly winds set mournful tones,
I don’t know what will be from fall’s seeds sown.
Is the sun behind those grey clouds?
where is that radiant light I knew.
needing comfort like scent of Irish stew
I don’t fit any more in these crowds.
My foot fall crunches leaves under me
It will be a long, hard season
As I set sail for an icy sea
it aches the heart without reason